This is what was said to me by my Dad as we walked the last few meters before the barrier at the airport where hundreds of thousands of goodbyes are said every day…. But these goodbyes often hold the promise of another hello at some point.
Just the week before, my brothers, Dad, and I had gathered with many people to say a final farewell to my Mum, a beautiful soul who was only known for making friends and caring for others, who stood up for the rights of others, especially children, who was a home-maker, a peacemaker, a reconciler, a practical woman, not afraid of hard work, a lover of nature, and gardening. Strong values were held by her, and they were lived by her. A woman of faith.
And now the year of firsts begins…
My Dad was gutted by the death of my Mum, the love of his life. Of course, they bickered, and they did not always see eye to eye. Their frustrations were had. But underneath it all, love for each other was shared.
The year of firsts can be triggered by many things: death, divorce, illness, loss of capacity, loss of a job, betrayal, a broken relationship or friendship, even retirement.
A life-defining experience is where a line has been drawn in the sand, and everything after that moment is shaped by what happened just before.
“Grief is the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future. Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts. Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.” – APA American Psychology Association Dictionary.
Our response to that life-shaping experience will be different.
There is no one way to grieve.
Our culture, our gender, our age, and stage of life will all have a part to play in how grief is worked through, how loss is processed.
One thing we all share is that it is a journey, a process. It is not a linear journey or over with the snap of our fingers – if only loss were that simple.
When the fog of shock is emerged from, and the mist of feeling numb is cleared, rage, regret, or fear may be found. Feeling overwhelmed, confused, or stuck are very normal responses in this journey, and depression may periodically take over.
We do not have to go through this alone, although sometimes, that is our preference.
Family and friends may try to accompany you, make sure you are not alone. Attempts may be made to dig you out of despair. Well-meaning intentions are behind their actions.
In my experience of loss and grief – it was the one or two people who were prepared to sit with me exactly where I was, in disbelief, in dark despair, who made the difference. Attempts were not made by them to cheer me up, nor were platitudes such as “this too shall pass” used.
Rather, real comfort was found in their presence.
No need to talk, but sometimes we might.
No need to fix, trust was placed in the belief that forward movement would occur when I was ready to.
Acceptance.
Eventually, acceptance arrives and forward movement is made, life is embraced again, albeit life will never be the same.
Life will propel us forward, children need to be fed and taken to school, and work may come knocking on the door with demands. Routines will return, and a new normal will emerge.
The year of firsts will take you forward.